Merry, Merry

Thirteen years ago, this was my family's Christmas card picture. Charlie was six, Maria was three and Jack was five months. Now they look completely different, in case you were wondering.



Photo by Khris Erickson

Looking at this makes me smile. Look how little and cute and chubby-cheeked they were! Not a one of them drove my car back then, much less into a mailbox, making a large gouge on the driver's side door. None of these little cherubs had ever received a bad grade in school. When this was taken, I hadn't yet gotten a phone call from a teacher complaining that one of my kids had called another child an "a$$hole" (you wouldn't think baby Jesus would say such a thing, even if the other kid had knocked him down, unprovoked). In this photo, they are the picture of childhood innocence and beauty.

And on that note, if you celebrate the day, I wish you a Merry Christmas. Bring on the figgy pudding!

Relatively Speaking

In honor of the holiday season, a rerun! Below is an essay I had published in the Chicago Tribune a few years ago. Or maybe it was the Christian Science Monitor. Hmm... I really should know this. I'd say that my record keeping was poor, if I kept any kind of records at all. In any event, it's okay for me to post this on my blog. The rights would have reverted back to me by now. I'm almost certain of it.

(Now that I've reread this piece, it sounds a little mean-spirited. That was not my intent. Pretend it's funny.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RELATIVELY SPEAKING
By Karen McQuestion


All across this great nation of ours Americans celebrate the holidays in the same way: they spend too much money, eat too much food, and invite the same relatives over for the holiday meal. I don’t mean the exact same relatives of course, but it is amazing how the same types seem to crop up in families of all kinds. I’ve compiled a list of my own family members, grouping them by their charming quirks. See if any of your relatives fall into the following categories:


· ALWAYS THE GUEST, NEVER THE HOST—This person will call a few days before the event to ask, “What are we doing for the holiday?” (Translation: what time should I come for dinner?) His reasons for not hosting a meal vary: the place is too small, he doesn’t cook etc., but he’ll be glad to bring a side dish to your gathering, if he remembers.

· THE SPORTS GUY—Just show him into the room with the television. He doesn’t want to be rude but this is the big game. No need to fuss over him; just let him know when dinner is ready and he’ll come get his plate during a commercial. Oh, and where is that remote control?

· THE DOG PERSON—This one actually brings their dog, and will amaze you with the pup’s latest tricks. If you balk at having the dog lick your hand you’ll be reminded that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a humans’, as if that makes it okay. If by chance the dog isn’t with them, they’ll bring photos and share cute anecdotes. You’ve got a kid who’s teething? That’s nothing! They’ll top that with a funny story about the time Chompers was teething and chewed up a pair of leather slippers.

· HATES TO EAT AND RUN--They hate to eat and run, but they do it anyway. They’d do the family holiday dinner as a drive-through if they could. Not to rush you but could you open those gifts a little faster?

· ALL EYES ON ME—The only thing to remember about this relative is that they love to be the center of attention and thrive in the spotlight. They’re masters at maneuvering the conversation back to themselves. But enough about them, did I ever tell you about the time I….

· THE ONE WHO GETS THE KIDS ALL RILED UP—This relative has grown-up kids or none at all. What better way to connect with the little ones than to chase them around the Christmas tree and tickle them until they’re hysterical? Better yet, give the two-year-old a swig of Mountain Dew right before bedtime. Who believes that fallacy about sugar and caffeine causing hyperactivity anyway?

· THE CHEERLEADER—The cheerleader doesn’t cook but raves about your dinner and everything else. He/she speaks in exclamation points! Certainly these are the best-candied yams ever! Boy, you really outdid yourself with the apple pie this year! Doesn’t the house look festive! And my favorite: you look great! Did you lose weight?!

· OFFERS TO HELP AFTER EVERYTHING IS ALREADY DONE—You know what they say; timing is everything.

· ACHES AND PAINS—There’s really nothing wrong with them, but they’ve been feeling poorly lately and want to tell you about it in great detail. Apparently no one ever told them that there is only one correct response to the question “How are you?” and that would be, “fine.”

· SHOWOFF—This relative always brings photos from a recent vacation and can tell you about their latest purchases of furniture, jewelry etc. (including how they skillfully dickered with the salesperson and shaved 30% off the price). Depending on the year, they’ll drag you outside to see the new car. If you’re really lucky, they’ll take you for a drive. Your role in all this is to simply admire. If you’re not properly enthusiastic, then you’re obviously jealous.

· ALWAYS BUSY—This one has such a hectic life style it’s a wonder they even made it to your shindig. They’ll regale you with all the details of their fast-paced job, their volunteer work in the adult literacy program, and the gingerbread house they made from scratch. When they stop to catch their breath and ask what you’ve been up to, the only thing you’ll be able to think of is watching the latest episode of The Simpsons.

· LET’S PLAY CARDS—Who needs conversation? This person brings a deck of cards and recruits players old and young. Nothing like a little gambling to bring a family together. Grandma, did you bring your wallet? What, we can’t smoke in here?

Not all of your relatives will fit neatly into the above categories and some may actually fit into more than one. Or, maybe no one in your family has any of these quirky, annoying personality traits. If that’s the case, you don’t know what you’re missing. Personally, I wouldn’t want to celebrate a holiday without a single one of them. Except for Chompers.

The End and also The Beginning

I have been absent from the blog the last two weeks because I've been trying to finish writing my YA novel, and now I have. It's finished in that I was able to write "The End" on the last page, but I'm sure it needs more work. That will happen after Christmas.

I'm so glad to be done, because I started this story a year and a half ago, and then life intervened, as it does, and the manuscript was set aside. When this past summer ended I suddenly had more time, but I had huge difficulty getting back into it. I considered scrapping it at one point and even started something else, until one night, I woke from a sound sleep and thought, I know what happens next. A gift from my subconscious, or guardian angel, or spirit guides, depending on your belief system. Personally I'm going with spirit guides, because I like the idea of having a team behind me. Ever since that fateful night, I've been working on it steadily, almost gleeful on the productive days.

I hope the book doesn't suck.

Changing the topic to Christmas--funny story, or at least I think it's funny. Last year at this time I offered to show my husband where I hid the kids' presents. I thought he should know--"in case something happens to me."

Greg: What would happen to you?

Me: I could die.

Greg: Honey, if you die right before Christmas, finding where the presents are hidden will be the least of my worries.

He kills me.

The View From My Back Door

Isn't it lovely? We were hit with a much milder version of the storm that hit Missouri and Oklahoma. Those poor people got the brunt of it: fatally icy roads and power outages. I'm keeping them in my prayers as I'm counting my own blessings--everyone in my family is safe and warm. The kids even had off of school, which is always a gift.

~

Maria came into our room first thing this morning, before our alarm had gone off. She stood next to the bed in the dark, something I always seem to sense, even when I'm half asleep. I lifted my head and said, "Yes?" and when she told me school was cancelled I told her congratulations and to go back to bed. Later she told me that in then next twenty minutes her attempts to fall back asleep were interrupted by friends calling and texting her with the happy news. Elation, thy name is Snow Day.

~

By noon Maria was bored.

~

Jack had his own reaction to the news. When I heard his clock radio click on, I went to his room to tell him school was called off due to the weather. "Thank God," he said wearily. "I really need this." Don't let anyone tell you seventh grade isn't stressful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Totally unrelated to snow, which seems to be the focal point of this blog lately, I learned how to change my settings so visitors can leave anonymous comments. Am I smart, or what? Okay, don't answer that. But really, if you're feeling shy or just want your privacy, feel free to leave a comment as anonymous. I'd love to hear from you.

A Tribute to the One Who Saved My Back

Have you ever felt a surge of affection and admiration for someone you've never actually met? You don't really know them, but you know what they stand for and that's good enough? Up until now, my experience with this has been limited to Santa Claus, Mother Teresa, and George Clooney, but I'm officially expanding my list to include my new love: Plow Guy.

Yes, it's only December 8th and Plow Guy has already visited my house three times this winter. Sometimes he comes when we're sleeping, other times during the day so we can admire his skill from inside our nice, warm house. Plow Guy never minds, in fact, he waves when he spots us peering through the window.

Here's my house as it looked after his last visit. Imagine that huge mound of snow on the driveway, and you'll get an idea of the power of the plow.

This is only the second year we've hired a plowing service. It was actually my mom's idea, her best since she thought to give birth to me. Heh. We live next door to my parents (or they live next door to us, depending on your point of view) and driveway clearing was always a group effort. We borrowed my parents' snow blower and they borrowed our muscle power. It all seemed to work for awhile. But then the muscle power got older and one of them went away to college (he's back now) and the others whined a lot.

Slightly off topic--little known fact about snow blowers: they not only blow snow OFF the driveway, but given just the right gust of wind the airborne snow blows right back in the machine operator's face. I always wondered why people wore those stupid looking face masks--now I know.

So the whole shoveling / snow blowing thing was getting really old and my mom had this brilliant idea wherein we hired a plowing service. We get billed at the end of the month, so it doesn't even seem like it costs anything. I have no idea why it took so long to figure this out.

My sister thought it was rude that we call him "Plow Guy" instead of his name, but the service has several trucks and just as many men operating them, so it wouldn't really pay to get too attached to any one of them. Besides, I think of it as an honored title, like Superman or the Sausage King of Chicago.

So let's raise a mug of hot cocoa and toast Plow Guy: May he continue doing his good work making life easier for the huddled indoor masses until spring comes. Here, here!

Let It Snow, etc. and so on

Yes, winter is officially here. We got three to five inches of snow on Saturday. Driving conditions were terrible, as evidenced by the fact that I spun out on Highway 83 as I was driving my daughter to work. At the time, I was telling Maria how it easy it would be to lose control of the car under those conditions. Maybe I'm psychic.

Anyway, I slid into the opposite, oncoming lane SIDEWAYS. All the stars were aligned in my favor or something, because no one was in that lane and the cars behind me were far enough away that everyone slowed and I was able to correct my car and get back to my side. My heart was going thump-a-thump-a-thump the rest of the way there and I had a grip on the steering wheel that left permanent finger marks. At some point I saw a municipal plow behind us, one of those that also scatters salt, so I pulled onto a side street and let him pass so we could get behind him.

I forgot that winter could be like this. I always seem to forget. When I have an experience like this, I think about moving to a warmer environment. It sounds idyllic initially, but then I remember humidity and poisonous snakes and many insects and wildfires and hurricanes and I think, maybe not. Really, there's no pleasing me.

And then on Sunday, Maria and I made hot chocolate with whipped cream and settled down to watch the movie Elf while the wind whistled outside and all was good, so I'll guess we'll stay in Wisconsin for now.